Wingnuts Flying Circus

Been meaning to make this post for a while now because we had so much fun! It was our first time as a family and I was the only one who had been to one in the past. Our little town of Tarkio, MO put on quite the show. Very impressed. Tarkio is a nice, quiet little town that I have honestly been trough maybe 3 or 4 times in my life.

The only negative of the entire day was that we left a little early. Liam was getting really cranky and it was hotter than the blazes of hell!!! The show was still going strong as we left and the roads were all blocked off. We ended up getting lost out in the cornfields….

I could feel little Malachai right there with me! Of course there was no cell service because we were in the middle of nowhere! We spent a good 20 minutes just cruising through the nothingness.

Needless to say, we were super happy to find our way back to the highway!

If you have never been to an Air Show, I highly recommend it! Check out this link for program schedules:

Wingnuts Flying Circus

I can’t remember when I scrapped last. I love it. I think it just takes so long that I just don’t typically give myself enough “me” time to complete a LO. I found this super cute amazing kit by Misty Cato. She is so very talented and I couldn’t wait to start on this project! This kit is called Brave Wings. If you are a digi scrapper I recommend checking her and the other gals from Sweet Shoppe (My favorite store) out. You will not be disappointed! Wanting to start digital scrap but don’t know where to begin? Message me, I will set you on the right path. Life is about making memories. In 30 years, you will have a bunch of pictures that are merely “pictures”. Why not make them beautiful memories that you can print and frame????

Today is my Mama’s Birthday. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Today while I was walking the track, I saw a Cardinal sitting on the fence and it flew right in front of me. I have heard that your loved ones can work with those in the animal world to send you a sign of their presence by getting a cardinal, a blue jay or a large hawk to act abnormally in your presence for just long enough to get your attention. We always spent her birthdays together. I think this was her way of telling me that just maybe she misses me too! She would have been 74.

Happy Birthday Mama. 

Just Do It.

This morning I woke up when my husband got up to go to the bathroom. That little fit broad that lives inside of me, told to get up and go. Yesterday morning I was supposed to have todays motivation…but it didn’t exactly happen that way.

I laid my clothes out on Thursday night, even set my alarm. (set my alarm to work out??? When did I become this crazy person???) I got up, played on my phone a bit then lost all motivation to do anything but go back to bed. I did manage to get all my crops planted and send a few planes on Township. (an ongoing obsession…don’t judge)

Today, I didn’t even look at my phone. No. I take that back. I did look at my phone, only to check to see if there was a deposit in our bank account. We have been waiting since February for Duane’s SSDI back pay. They apparently are in no hurry to get it to us. You can’t just tell a person, hey you will be getting 7-9k sometime.  We have had this money spent a hundred different ways in our heads. Needless to say. It wasn’t there. Again.  I just didn’t wanna be walking around some stupid track with a bunch of money in the bank. (This is why I live the way I do. I like to spend money!!!)

I threw my workout clothes on. My shirt was a little snug and I debated on changing it as I can’t stand a tight shirt. Not that it bothers me much. It’s a self conscious thing. I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Instead…I kept the shirt on, as motivation. This is why I keep doing this. This is why I skip dessert. (most of the time). This is why I count my calories and think about everything I put in my body. This is why I set that alarm. This is why I get up and “do it”.

The last several weeks, I have been walking around town rather than the track. We have had a dog problem and the last time I was out early in the am, I had my Ipod on and I couldn’t even hear this dog barking at me. He could have ripped my whole face off before I knew he was there. Needless to say, it did get me moving a bit faster.

I was the first one at the track this morning. As I got out of my car, an older couple pulled up. I, being my typical cheery self, said “GOOD MORNING!!!”. Now either they snubbed me completely or their “Good Morning” was not as perky as mine. Either way…they were not happy to be there with me. (just a sense) After a couple laps…they left.

I was later joined by an older lady. I see this lady out walking a lot while I am out. She looked to be maybe 70 or so. (but I am horrible at guessing age…she could have been 90). She followed me around the track a couple times. I turned my head to keep an eye on her. (I was not about to be passed by a 90 year old woman) At some point she passed me on the inner lane (I always walk the outer). She startled me at first cuz I was in a Jason Aldean “The Truth” concert all by myself for just a moment. When she first passed me, I started to walk faster (again…she had several years on me). Then I thought, she is in the inner lane, just let her go. I wasn’t feeling up to racing this sweet little thing. After she got about 10-15 feet in front of me. She started doing arm exercises and I giggled at first as I would never do this out in public for all the world to see. She didn’t care. She did it anyway. I then looked at the varicose veins in her legs and the speed she was going and I thought. How absolutely wonderful. Why can’t everyone do this at her age? At 70, my Mom could only walk short distances without becoming short of air and complaining of leg pain.

I knew right then and there. This was gonna be me. I want this to be me. I need this to be me. At that moment, my arms started hurting as well. I was on my 2nd mile and they were just kinda hanging there. So I followed her lead. A couple laps later, she walked off the track. I didn’t see her go to her car and I wondered what she was doing. When I got to the gate I looked over at her to make sure she didn’t collapse or something. Would you believe she was stretching? I smiled at her and picked up my pace. Got a couple more laps in then poured myself into my car and went home.

Current Weight: 176

Frustration and Depression

Who’s frustrated? 

Me!!!!

This Girl!

I’m not losing weight at all. I am trying, but not REALLY trying. I’m bored but yet still motivated. Food seems to be my problem lately. I admit, I have even gained a couple pounds. I want to eat everything in sight! (not even kidding) Currently looking forward to my trip to St. Joe on Friday with my favorite little boy! Why?

THERE WILL BE FOOD!

I have been walking almost every single day so that is obviously what has kept me afloat! I have been trying to “maintain” and work on this annoying belly bulge while I figure out what to do with these damn cravings!! Cravings for ice cream, for M&Ms, for Chinese Food, French Fries, Donuts….dammit….everything I shouldn’t eat!!!!

Depression. 

I am not one to admit that things are less than perfect and a person can only pretend for so long. I have struggled my entire life (or as far back as I can remember) with depression. What do I do when I am depressed?

I eat.

This is why I am fat. I know. It’s a daily (yes, daily) struggle.

I won’t get into WHY I am depressed because honestly I don’t think anyone really cares or wants to read that. I also realize depression is very very common and probably many of you reading this are feeling the same way.

Fear not, I am not suicidal or have plans to end my life or yours. I just get tired of life’s struggles. Sometimes it just seems like a vicious circle that I can’t get out of! Again, I know I am not alone. Truth is: Life sucks…a lot of the time.  I know I quote my Mama a lot and I will continue to do so as she was hands down the most influential person in my life so I apologize if that offends some of you.

When I was 12, we moved from Overland Park, KS to Atchison, KS. I did not want to move. God I didn’t want to move. My Mom wanted to be closer to her family and found a little house that would soon be their first (and only) house that they would own. It wasn’t fancy…not in the least. It was theirs and they LOVED it. I however, was being moved (what seemed liked cross country) from the only 2 friends I had. When I started school at Trinity Lutheran in the 7th grade…it was tough. I was an outsider. The rest of these kids had been together since kindergarten.

I had no friends for a long time. Some of the girls were NOT nice and I can remember a lot of things that they said to me that I wish that I would forget.  It’s been 30 years. Why would that matter now? Anyway…where I was going with this. Some days were bad. Really bad. Mama always knew just what to say to make it all better. She would always tell me “You have to have a bad day once in a while to REALLY appreciate the good ones!” She was absolutely right!

I still think about those words years later on those really “rough” days.

Later on, I made some friends. Some great friends that I still have today. We don’t talk often but I know they are there and would be there for me if I ever needed anything! They are the only reason I survived High School!!!

That was kinda depressing huh? (YIKES)

Let’s lighten the mood a bit with a little something different….

10 Things I can’t Live Without!!!

1. My Children ( I would have had a couple more…but it wasn’t “God’s Plan”)
2. My Husband (He drives me absolutely crazy on most days but still kinda love him!)
3. My Cell Phone (My life line…this thing does everything!)
4. HGTV (I know I will never in my life own a house like these but I sure love to watch. My current favorite? Beach Front Bargain Hunt!)
5. Diet Dr. Pepper (it’s the best!!!)
6. My Ipod (especially enjoy walking early in the morning, watching the sun come up as if I am the only person on earth)
7. Avia/Danskin workout shorts (I am too cheap for the expensive ones but I have built myself a nice collection!!! Thanks Wal-Mart!!!
8. Cocoa Pebbles Cereal (I realize this is not even remotely healthy…but it’s been my favorite since I was knee high to a grasshopper)
9. My job (every day is not a dream but I LOVE being a nurse and I believe it is what God intended for me to do)
10. My camera (I hate that I don’t have many photos of my Mom but for the same reason there are very few of myself….the Mama is always the one behind the camera. I take a lot of pictures. These are my memories. This is what life is all about. 20 years from now…I am not gonna be thinking about how much money I have in the bank right now, I will be thinking about our little vacations I have gotten to take with my family, the holidays, loved ones that are no longer here with us.)

 

Current weight: 177

 

Nostalgia

Nostalgia. What is Nostalgia?

nos·tal·gia

näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə/

noun

• a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

This year I will be turning 42 in December. 42. It doesn’t sound right nor does it look right as I type it and look back at it.

How does this happen?

Where does the time go?

Duane and I just finished binge watching a show on Netflix called Riverdale. It was one of those shows that was “suggested” by Netflix. Let’s be honest….Netflix knows me better than I know myself. My husband HATES what he calls “teeny bopper” TV so it sat on “my list” for a long time. I think I ended up reading about this on Facebook or Instagram later and watched a trailer on You Tube. After I watched the preview…I didn’t really need to know anymore. I saw Luke Perry and it brought back my entire childhood.

All of it!!!

Luke Perry.

Look at this man. What a beautiful piece of …yes I’m about to go there MAN MEAT!!! I, like every girl I knew was a 90210 buff! I never missed it.

 

Looking at this picture brings me back to High School. God I hated High School. I hated school from as far back as I remember. My family didn’t have money to buy me the best clothes, we didn’t live in the nicest house…and I was fat, I didn’t care what I looked like. It just didn’t matter to me. I did however care what people thought of me. Somehow I managed to graduate…with a bunch of people I didn’t even like (minus maybe 20). It was a popularity contest.

None of that mattered when I plopped down in front of my TV to watch this show.

Needless to say, we watched Riverdale in 2 days and LOVED IT!!!

There is a song by Trisha Yearwood called “The Song Remembers When”.

How accurate is that?

I hear a song on the radio and I can remember exactly where I was in life when that song was popular.

For example:

Tim McGraw “I Like It I Love it” -I was working at Taco Johns and I remember my cousin singing this song to me.

Tim McGraw-“Don’t take the girl”-watching the music video @ my best friends house with all my favorite people in the world and how excited we were that the Mama came running around the corner with the fishing pole. (she lived!!!!)

I never thought I would know life without those people. I don’t talk to any of them anymore. In fact, I don’t even know where life has taken them. Where they work. Who they married.  I have tried to tell this to my own daughter as I know how important her friends are to her right now. It’s just one of those things that happens as you grow older. People move away, find new loves, have children. The things that were once so important….now are just memories. It is sad, but true.

Tim McGraw (I loved him okay)

I listened to this album over and over and over again. I was dating my first husband at the time. (I’m surprised I don’t hate TM now…ha)

Anything by Duran Duran-I think of my dear friend Laura. Her and her sister Ana introduced me to this amazing band.

Eric Carmen-“Turn the radio up” and Billy Idol “Mony Mony”. -Sitting on the floor in my best friend Gracie’s bedroom listening to these songs over and over on those little records (my husband said they were called 45s LOL)

Anything by Garth Brooks-my dear friend Teresa (who is STILL obsessed with this man (I won’t say how many years) later).

Juice Newton “Angel of the morning” and “Queen of Hearts”-When my Daddy had the restaurant (I think I was 5ish) These were always playing on the jukebox…Daddy would bring me a Bacon and Egg sandwich with mayo. (my favorite)

Sam Cooke-When I hear him…I think of Dad in the Navy. He was one of his favorites.

K.T Oslin- “80s Ladies” Mom loved this song and told me it reminded her and her friends. Of course she was the border line fool. Still can’t listen to this song without crying though I love it as much as she did.

There are many many more. Where was I going with this?

Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. ~Ferris Bueller

Let’s go back to Luke Perry. I posted a picture from the 90s.

This is him today.

It makes me sad that all of these people that I grew up with are getting older. I know that means I am to. My Mom used to say to me, “All these people are my age…they look terrible. I don’t look that bad do I?” I always told her No. I never thought of my Mom as “old”. I always thought 71 was too young to die. I still do.

Today is Monday. I had the weekend off. I don’t want to go to work today. Not even a little bit. I will get up from this chair, shower, get ready for work and be thankful that I have a job to go to. I will kiss my boys goodbye and try to have a great day anyway.

“Embrace the glorious mess that you are.”~Elizabeth Gilbert

 

Routines

The last 6 months I have tried to have the same routine. As much as possible with a 4 year old @ home. My typical day would be get up at 5, get dressed and ready for work and then sit on the couch and look at my cell phone for 30 minutes. Today I woke up at 4:30 and convinced myself to get up. That extra 30 minutes of sleep wasn’t gonna help much anyway. Right?

My original plan was to get up and workout to one of the 20 DVDs I have. (I have been fat…pretty much since birth so I have accumulated QUITE the collection). I got up, not wanting to work out AT ALL. After all, it was only 4:30 and I was tired. Really tired. I managed to eat a bowl of Raisin Bran and got a wild idea to walk the track for 30 minutes before I go to work. The track is right next to the nursing home that I work at. (what an ingenious plan right???)

A few months ago when the weather first started to warm up, I would go to the track after work. I really enjoyed it. Most of the time I am out there alone and I feel like the only person in the world. I have very very little time to myself so what I do get…I cherish. I bought myself an IPOD (music lover) and made this a routine until the high school started having track meets after school. This threw a rock into my plans. Eventually I just stopped going and started using my treadmill. That gets boring real quick!  Liam (my 4 year old) can’t stand for me to be away from him for long after I get home from work (he is currently singing in bathtub or I wouldn’t have time to write this for you to enjoy!)

I managed to walk 2 miles before I clocked in @ 6am. It is a great time of the day to walk and hope to develop a routine by doing this. Today was very humid. I have laid out clothes for tomorrow to wear instead of my scrubs (today was a last minute decision)

Fail to Plan. Plan to Fail.

So I have a plan! Having said that, I have been exhausted all day!!! I wanted to come home and take a nap but the Prince won’t have it. Our bedtime is a special time. Typically, we go to bed @ 730 or 8 and then tell stories, sing, spell, read (pretty much whatever the Prince wants to do) Last night we found a game called Magic Kingdoms and we both loved it.  We are hoping to get to Florida later this year and WE LOVE DISNEY!!! By the time Liam fell asleep and I moved him over to where he usually sleeps, I didn’t get to sleep until around 11. 

Needless to say, I’m a tired girl. 

Progress Pics

Look at me learning!!!

My camera uploads to my phone and tablet but unfornutely, my desktop is not that smart.

My workouts are 90% walking. This means….MY LEGS LOOK GREAT! (Ignore the very dirty floor mat)Very proud of them! My arms…are getting there. Trying to do weights a little more but not fond of them. Maybe I will be when they become a bit more defined?!?!

New Me! New Blog

As most of you probably know, I have been blogging for years. I love it. I do. I just wish I would do it more often. It has always been so much easier for me to write what I want to say than to speak it. I guess it stems from social anxiety I have been carrying for years.

New Readers?

See what you have missed here:

And Then There Were 3

and my most recent health/weight loss blog here:

My Weight Loss Journey

All caught up?

Great!

I started this day with the intention of making 1 blog post to each page as it has been a while since I have updated either. I started messing around with the format of my page. I couldn’t get it just the way I wanted and kinda hate that I have 2 blogs anyway so…

That brings us here.

Welcome! Thank you for visiting my site. It is still under construction and yes as basic as it is right now…took about 2 hours to get me here! Blah! I was gonna workout! Ha! Good thing the day is still young AND my day off!

First things first. Most of you are probably here because you have been following my weight loss goals. The other half? Not sure but hope you are enjoying yourself! If not, I guess you will be closing this page soon.

SEE YA LOSERS!

Where was I? Avoiding the topic at hand I guess. About a month ago, I went off my Phentermine pills. They were helping me lose weight but I wasn’t keen on the way they were making me feel. Since then I have been trying just to maintain my weight loss, which is a struggle in its own. I am remembering why I went on the pills now but in the end, I try to remind myself why I started this journey. I want to be healthy. I want to feel better and more than anything, I want to be here as long as I can for my children. My Mom only made it to 71. (NOT LONG ENOUGH!!!!) I miss her every single day but luckily I see her in my dreams pretty frequently. Just last night, she went to Disney with me!! (Something we never got to do while she was alive….#1 because we never had the money. #2 the only time she would fly was for medical reason and absolutely against her will)

My diet has been less than the best and workout? Ugh. I don’t even wanna type that word. I am burnt out. I am going into my 6th month of this stuff. I haven’t given up. I know I need to push myself further to get the results I want. For some reason, with the warmer weather, I have a whole new list of things I want to do. One of those things is eat ice cream. God I love ice cream. The best thing about living in a small town is there isn’t the temptation of a multitude of fast food restaurants. Having said that. There is still the Taste “E” Freeze!!!

And that is a real problem. They have the best ice cream in the whole wide world!!!

Luckily, I have the will power to only visit on my cheat days although my husband mentions it daily. (Sorry Pump)

Current weight: 179 (Goal Weight: 145)