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Frustration and Depression

Who’s frustrated? 

Me!!!!

This Girl!

I’m not losing weight at all. I am trying, but not REALLY trying. I’m bored but yet still motivated. Food seems to be my problem lately. I admit, I have even gained a couple pounds. I want to eat everything in sight! (not even kidding) Currently looking forward to my trip to St. Joe on Friday with my favorite little boy! Why?

THERE WILL BE FOOD!

I have been walking almost every single day so that is obviously what has kept me afloat! I have been trying to “maintain” and work on this annoying belly bulge while I figure out what to do with these damn cravings!! Cravings for ice cream, for M&Ms, for Chinese Food, French Fries, Donuts….dammit….everything I shouldn’t eat!!!!

Depression. 

I am not one to admit that things are less than perfect and a person can only pretend for so long. I have struggled my entire life (or as far back as I can remember) with depression. What do I do when I am depressed?

I eat.

This is why I am fat. I know. It’s a daily (yes, daily) struggle.

I won’t get into WHY I am depressed because honestly I don’t think anyone really cares or wants to read that. I also realize depression is very very common and probably many of you reading this are feeling the same way.

Fear not, I am not suicidal or have plans to end my life or yours. I just get tired of life’s struggles. Sometimes it just seems like a vicious circle that I can’t get out of! Again, I know I am not alone. Truth is: Life sucks…a lot of the time.  I know I quote my Mama a lot and I will continue to do so as she was hands down the most influential person in my life so I apologize if that offends some of you.

When I was 12, we moved from Overland Park, KS to Atchison, KS. I did not want to move. God I didn’t want to move. My Mom wanted to be closer to her family and found a little house that would soon be their first (and only) house that they would own. It wasn’t fancy…not in the least. It was theirs and they LOVED it. I however, was being moved (what seemed liked cross country) from the only 2 friends I had. When I started school at Trinity Lutheran in the 7th grade…it was tough. I was an outsider. The rest of these kids had been together since kindergarten.

I had no friends for a long time. Some of the girls were NOT nice and I can remember a lot of things that they said to me that I wish that I would forget.  It’s been 30 years. Why would that matter now? Anyway…where I was going with this. Some days were bad. Really bad. Mama always knew just what to say to make it all better. She would always tell me “You have to have a bad day once in a while to REALLY appreciate the good ones!” She was absolutely right!

I still think about those words years later on those really “rough” days.

Later on, I made some friends. Some great friends that I still have today. We don’t talk often but I know they are there and would be there for me if I ever needed anything! They are the only reason I survived High School!!!

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That was kinda depressing huh? (YIKES)

Let’s lighten the mood a bit with a little something different….

10 Things I can’t Live Without!!!

  1. My Children ( I would have had a couple more…but it wasn’t “God’s Plan”)
  2. My Husband (He drives me absolutely crazy on most days but still kinda love him!)
  3. My Cell Phone (My life line…this thing does everything!)
  4. HGTV (I know I will never in my life own a house like these but I sure love to watch. My current favorite? Beach Front Bargain Hunt!)
  5. Diet Dr. Pepper (it’s the best!!!)
  6. My Ipod (especially enjoy walking early in the morning, watching the sun come up as if I am the only person on earth)
  7. Avia/Danskin workout shorts (I am too cheap for the expensive ones but I have built myself a nice collection!!! Thanks Wal-Mart!!!
  8. Cocoa Pebbles Cereal (I realize this is not even remotely healthy…but it’s been my favorite since I was knee high to a grasshopper)
  9. My job (every day is not a dream but I LOVE being a nurse and I believe it is what God intended for me to do)
  10. My camera (I hate that I don’t have many photos of my Mom but for the same reason there are very few of myself….the Mama is always the one behind the camera. I take a lot of pictures. These are my memories. This is what life is all about. 20 years from now…I am not gonna be thinking about how much money I have in the bank right now, I will be thinking about our little vacations I have gotten to take with my family, the holidays, loved ones that are no longer here with us.)

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Current weight: 177